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Great New Year's jokes can add a festive mood in the New Year. After all, this is the time when everyone in the bustle and bustle is preparing for the evening in order to celebrate this wonderful holiday as best as possible. The following are very funny anecdotes, in some of them, without any doubt, every person recognizes himself. And that's what makes them especially funny.
A man is driving along the highway, greatly exceeding the speed limit. He was stopped by a traffic police post. The guard asks:
-- Where are we going, citizen?
- I really need to see my wife, we celebrated the New Year with my comrades for a long time, I'm afraid, I'm tired of waiting, I will swear.
- So, citizen, why are you kidding me? The end of spring is in the yard, what else is the New Year? Did you drink alcohol by any chance?
- No, comrade policeman, that's why I'm in a hurry that the end of spring is already.
Walked somehow two students on the street near the hostel. They saw a hanging package on the second floor with sausages and sausages. The hungry students decided to steal the package. One stands on a nix, the second climbed up. The policeman, noticing these two young people, approached the first one and asked:- What are you citizens doing here?
A student to him:
- Yes, for the New Year we decidedhang gifts.
- So there are more than 6 months until the new year.
Here a young man shouted to his friend: - Hey, Petya, take it off, come on! I told you, the New Year does not happen in summer, but in winter.
Spring is in the yard, in prison one prisoner says to another:
- Well, Stepan, Happy New Year, congratulations.
- Have you completely lost your mind? May is the month outside, what a New Year.
- Yes, I know, just from the interrogation room. So, you have one more year to sit here.
Deputies invited a psychic with a Ouija board to their festive corporate party. We decided to ask her about the best time for the adoption of laws objectionable to the people. The board gave the answer: “It is better never to carry out such reforms, so as not to anger the citizens.”
Well, the whole State Duma laughed heartily, decided to clarify who gave such an answer, maybe Stalin, Lenin or Marx. This was followed by a quick answer: "Nicholas 2, Charles 1, Louis 16."
Every New Year I usually received similar congratulations and wishes, no one was particularly eager to do something creative and special. Well, I decided to be original this year. I wrote a very warm, good-natured letter to a good friend and sent it. I liked it so much that I sent it to all my friends and acquaintances. What was my surprise when my own letter as a greeting card came to me, and from several people.
The doorbell rings. A little girl, in joy, runs up to the door, and there is Santa Claus. Child:
- Hello Good De…
- Be quiet, child,be quiet, bring the corkscrew to grandpa quickly.
Two friends meet on the evening of January 1:
- How did you celebrate the holiday, Vasya?
- How-how? Like gifts…
- What does that mean?
- The whole holiday lay under the New Year tree.
There are only a few minutes left until the New Year. Three family members are sitting at the table, watching TV. And here is the announcement: "Now you will hear the New Year's address of the President of the Russian Federation!".
Here the child turns to his parents and asks: “Who should our president turn to?”
A poor family in the village makes routine preparations for the New Year: the children sit, watch cartoons, the mother prepares various dishes. Then the father takes a gun and goes out into the street. After a while, two shots were heard. The head of the family returns with the words: “I accidentally hit Santa Claus while shooting at the sky in honor of the holiday, so you can’t wait for gifts.”
Two friends talking:
- Mitya, what are your plans for celebrating the New Year?
- Oh, I have grandiose plans, everything is scheduled by the minute, every second will be filled with fun and happiness, all preparations are in full swing.
- Get drunk, huh?
- Yeah…
- Sema, what New Year gift did you give your girlfriend?
- gifted a trip to the Maldives.
- Yes, not weak, but what did she give you?
- She accepted my gift and flew away.
Girl yells to her mother in the kitchen:
- Mom, come here quickly, the tree is on fire.
- Daughter, notcaught fire, but shone.
- Mom, come here quickly, the sofa is already shining!
On the morning of the first of January, a drunk man asks a passer-by:
- Dearest, can you tell me how to get to the train station?
- You need to go straight to the end of the street.
- Well, I guess I can't make it.
At the festive table, the wife accidentally drops the spoon from the table. The head of the family quickly reacted to this, catching the cutlery a few centimeters from the floor with the words: “Well, thank God, you can no longer expect any guests.” Then the son comes in and says: “Dad, Uncle Semyon got stuck in the elevator, he can’t get out.”
New Year's Eve Conversation:
- Oh-oh, I feel very bad, I think I will die soon…
- Well, of course, you stuffed almost all the tangerines into yourself…
- How is almost everything? Anywhere else?
There are a couple of days left before the end of this year. Promises to “lose 5 kg by the New Year” can be safely paraphrased as “by the New Year, it remains to lose 10 kg.”
- I just don't understand why the New Year is considered almost the most important and joyful holiday?
- This is because everyone is very happy that they managed to survive another year.
- My wife's mother and New Year are very similar?
- How can a person and a holiday be similar?
- They don't care if you're waiting for them or not, they'll come anyway.
If on New Year's Eve the "Blue Light", filmed back in the 90s, is shown on TV, hardly anyone will notice anything. Well, maybe they will be a little surprised that Rotaru has aged a little bit since last year.
Everyone is interested in the question why holidays have been allocated for the New Year holidays, but the New Year holidays have not yet been introduced.
- What is your favorite day of the year?
- January 1.
- Why is that? Because holiday mood and vacation?
- No. This is because January 1 does not exist, after December 31, it immediately goes to January 2.
On New Year's holidays, you can look at someone else's fireworks, thereby saving a lot of money. Crisis after all.
Two colleagues after the New Year holidays:
- For this New Year, I put my wife under the Christmas tree, as expected.
- And how? Did she like it?
- So she hasn't even found it yet, the forest is rather big.
Two drunk men talking:
- Vasek, why the hell did you pull Santa Claus by the beard?
- I wanted to show that she is not real, I do not like it when our little children are deceived.
- And what, plucked it?
- Yes, it was not artificial, as it turned out.
There are two children in the family. One of them looks at things pessimistically, the second is always optimistic. The parents wanted every child to be happy and glad to receive their New Year's gifts, which is why they decided to buy a beautiful horse for the pessimist, and they brought horse dung for the optimist.
When the children were shown their gifts, the reaction of the first was the following: "Ugh, what a nasty horse, nasty color, plastic, and I wanted a beautiful white live horse." The optimist said: “Uraaa, and I just have a real horse, I just ran away, I guess.”
Happy New Year, II gradually refuse festive dishes and fruits. One must someday understand why the morning of January 1st is so bad.
- Shame on you all, huh? On the New Year there is always an opportunity to improve, change something, change your life for the better. And you swell again.
- Styopa, did you hesitate, who is to blame that the doctors forbade you to drink?
- Well, do you already know where you will celebrate the New Year?
- No, haven't found a place yet.
- Seriously? You again, like the last sucker, will go out at home, look faster.
- Well, Mom, maybe that's enough.
Conversation between wife and husband:
- Honey, finally threw away our Christmas tree?
- Yes.
- That's good, now get ready, let's go buy a new one.
- Why is that?
- New Year because in a week.
The main disappointment for me in life was when my wife said to put children's New Year's gifts under the tree. After all, then I realized that Santa Claus does not exist in the world.
Son talking to parents:
- Do you know which car is the slowest to get to your destination?
- What, son?
- The one you promised me for the New Year three years ago.
Two days before the New Year holidays, the parents took their son to his grandmother in the village. The little child was tired and immediately fell asleep. In the morning he woke up in a bad mood, and began to be very capricious. Then the grandmother says: “If you behave well, Santa Claus will bring you an excavator. Why her granddaughteranswered joyfully: “How cool, now I will have as many as 2 of them.” "Why is it two?" Grandma was surprised. And her grandson: “I found another one behind your sofa while I was playing!”
Two friends talking after the New Year:
- Hello, Sveta, how did you celebrate the holiday?
- Hello, yes, as always, I didn’t get out of bed…
- Were there a lot of people?
- Checkmark, what would you like to get for the New Year the most: a ticket to Milan or a new fur coat.
- A ticket, of course. I heard that fur coats in Milan are not as expensive as here.
If on the morning of January 1st, you can't remember what year it is, then the celebration went well.
"As if if the New Year is not celebrated, it will be lost, and we will all remain in the old year," the drunken man at the entrance thought.
Christmas riddle for director:
Can I call myself Santa Claus if I command 6 reindeer?
- What do you think about the New Year?
- We have carefully considered everything - let him come, we will not interfere.
Conversation between daughter and parents:
- Grandfather Frost is very bad and harmful!
- Daughter, don't say that. How did you decide?
- And since he stole my mother's doll from under the bed and put it under the Christmas tree, as if it were from him.
Conversation between friends on the eve of the New Year on the phone:
- Hi buddy, how are you doing there?
- What's the matter?
- In such a cold terrible New Year to celebrate.
- So good, minus 20 degrees just something.
- Yes? I saw the forecastthey talked about 60 degrees below zero.
- Well, yes, only it's on the street, it's not scary.
Pattern:
Year after year, the New Year's resolution to "change your life for the better" is repeated.